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Just Breathe - Julia's Blog
Tips on Peaceful Parenting with Julia Cohn Just Take a Breather 1/10/10 By Julia Cohn Ever notice how level headed parenting messages to our kids sink in while hot-headed messages to our children just sink? I am aware of this, yet so many times I’ve chosen to stay and fight a battle when I’m feeling peeved. Sad thing is I’ve noticed my son’s taken to using this war tactic too. It’s times like these, long winter days coupled with long breaks from school, when tempers flare and irrational behavior sets in for both parents and children. Simply put, it’s easy to fall off the peaceful parenting wagon and wind up resorting to our old reactive ways. Reason being, it’s comfortable and familiar. Just two days ago, the kids and I had started our morning off right. Instead of practicing our normal breathing routine, we decided to start off with some laughter (just as effective in my opinion). My daughter is pure comic relief, so my son and I just sat there gripping our sides while she performed. The morning was going so well that I decided to ask my son about some recent unsavory things he had done. You know, he really opened up to me and confessed that when he’s breaking rules he sometimes just can’t control himself. We talked about how we could keep each other on track. But two nights prior, we’d had a battle over watching a football game on television that led to quite a parenting faux pas. I made some reactive threats about grounding while raising my voice which sent my little guy into a tailspin. Mission not accomplished, and everyone went to bed in a bad mood. How I wish I had walked away! We saved face by talking about the incident the next morning, but I said things I regret and so did he. What works for us is to find a time when things are already peaceful to discuss how to make things better during times of battle. My strategy is to walk away and come back when I’m cooled off. It seems much easier for all of us to resist being reactive when we’ve all started our day with breathing, yoga or laughter. Namaste! click here to read more about "Just Me and The Trees" -------------------------------------------------------- Just Saying Sorry 12/22/09 By Julia Cohn Elton John had it right when he sang “Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word.” As parents, it’s easy to forget that apologizing to your child is not only okay, it’s essential when you’ve gotten off track. Last night at dinner my son wanted me to put parmesan cheese on his pasta. He’s seven and capable of doing this on his own. Of course, I’m running around the kitchen serving the family while my plate of food is getting cold. That’s when I began to lecture him (in a louder than normal voice) about how mom can’t be expected to do everything for everyone all the time. When I finally sat down in front of my room temperature meal, he had this sad look on his face. I said “what is it buddy?” He replied “it’s just that you always put the perfect amount of parmesan on my pasta and no one can do it better than you.” In that moment, a feeling of regret washed over me and I said those words. “Ah buddy, I’m so sorry!” I had misunderstood him and in the process hurt his feelings. When I apologized, his eyes opened wide and he almost seemed to be proud of me. It didn’t feel like my pride had been sucked out of me. It actually felt peaceful to show my son I’d made a mistake. Perhaps the lesson is that none of us should ever strive for perfection. We should just strive to be real and show our kids that it’s okay to admit when you’re wrong. --------------------------------------------------------- Just Me and a Calm Voice 12/12/09 By Julia Cohn I've been wondering... why do kids enter into another dimension before bedtime? It seems the minute dinner wraps up the kids seem to unravel. Not always in a bad way either. Don't get me wrong. I love my daughter's side-splitting comedic skits. The marathons she and my son run together around the house don't bother me. In fact, I find it rather entertaining and creative that they put on ski hats and gloves, take off their shirts and run 26.2 laps around our house. Getting them to stop when I say stop though is a major challenge. The idea of calming down after this level of fun seems almost non-existent. Enter your calm voice and some breathing. Funny how when we want our kids to settle down, we so often yell “settle down!” or “what don’t you understand about its bedtime!” I mean, really, did you ever immediately comply when your parents shouted at you to knock it off? It’s hard to remember to model the behavior you want your kids to exhibit. For me, finding my so-called happy place by paying close attention to my breathing can be difficult to say the least. However, I’m always amazed at the response I get from my children when I talk to them in a calm voice versus one that sounds like I’m about to come unglued. My hope is that you can find your happy place during this crazed time of year and actually enjoy the holiday season with your children… even their pre-bedtime antics. -------------------------------------------------------- Just Let It Be 11/20/09 By Julia Cohn Not sure about you, but I have this tendency to want to smooth everything over for my little ones. While that's nice in theory it simply isn't how the real world works. Breath work can really help you navigate trying situations by helping you and your children accept what cannot change -- no matter how simple or serious. Sometimes it's best to, like the Beatles song says, "Let it Be." A couple of real-life examples. First, dealing with other parents who handle things differently than you would. I've found, that you can either fight a battle or find peace by working on a solution that works for everyone. My son is very rough-and-tumble. He loves bike ramps, tackle football and getting dirty. He has a friend who is a math, reading and video game whiz, but rough-and-tumble's not his thing (on the flip side, it's like pulling teeth to get my guy to sit down for anything). Both terrific kids with loving parents. Bring in a game of tackle football involving these two, plus parents with different sets of rules and you're not exactly going to score a touch down. After a rough block by my son, his friend left in tears. My husband and I tried to smooth this over in person, but feelings were still hurt. First of all, I'm still trying to come to grips with the way some boys play, including mine. And, where do you draw the line with the roughness? Obviously, we don't want anyone to get hurt! And my guy can certainly be too rough. But he wasn't this time and we rushed to his defense. After two days of wondering how we could get these parents to see things our way, my husband and I both came to a profound conclusion. We wouldn't try to get them to see things our way. He devised a brilliant letter, we both realized that hitting "send" could spell disaster for us, our child and our neighbor kid's family so we kept the letter to ourselves. I used Yoga, breathing and meditation to make peace with the situation. My husband has his own way. But in the end, we both chose the peaceful, non-reactive route. Another example: my son saw one if his favorite toys in the garbage bin and was reduced to tears. He didn't realized it had been broken accidentally by his sister. With some simple breath work and talk about how people, not things are important he felt better. In both situations we learned to let it be. --------------------------------------------------------- Just Find a Balance 11/07/09 By Julia Cohn I've always hoped that I'm not one of those parents who is too tightly wound and I really try not to keep my kids on a short leash. However, there are two things about our daily routine that I will rarely compromise... sleep and food. I find that my 7-year old son can be the most well behaved kid, but keep him up late and watch out! For him, lack of sleep equals a day filled with melt downs and fits. This is when my parenting skills better be extra sharp and when I need to practice my own breathing techniques. His tantrums can be worse than the sound of finger nails on a chalk board. At these times, I need every ounce of patience I own to help him through these rough patches. My 4 year-old daughter is the same way. This morning she and her brother are both back home after a sleep over at grandma's house. The little one seems very tired and is being reduced to tears over the littlest thing, like a sock being on her foot the wrong way. Let me tell you, I had to get my anger in check, walk away and breathe myself! I'm amazed at how this simple act can work for parents too. Nutrition, or lack thereof, can be another thing that seems to unravel my normally well-adjusted children. Last weekend, eh hem... Halloween, was one of our worst in months and you can't tell me the candy overload didn't do something to dampen all of our moods. I'm no doctor, but I would recommend more sleep and healthier foods for any kid. Trust me parents, it'll make your days easier. Just Do The Right Thing 11/01/09 By Julia Cohn We've had a good day today. My son is trying very hard to do the right thing and doing a really great job for the most part. He grumbled about having to run some errands with me, but no tantrums... yet. We're using the "Love & Logic" program along with breathing exercises (you can read about them in my book "Just Me & the Trees") to a parent our children. I must say, both work tremendously! I'll give you an example. My son had an older friend over and the two of them started to get into mischief so play time came to an end. Needless to say, my son was not happy. After being carted up to his room, he calmed down a bit. When he came downstairs we did some breathing exercises together. It's amazing how this practice calms me down as much as it does him. Now, let's see what other challenges come our way. click here to read more about "Just Me and The Trees"
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